Look, I’m just going to cut to the chase here.

Heading into our tenth season in 2022, we’ve had plenty of iconic team names. So many, in fact, that I’ve decided to rank them.

All of them. Ever.

Well, I guess only the ones that were the team’s name at the end of the season. But still.

The Goat

1. Platano Power

Platano Power is the incredible turnaround story of Justin’s dominant 2017-18 run. Sure, it’s only two seasons, but consider what Justin went through to get there:

• 2013: 8th place, 3-20 record with 8,094 — a league-worst points-for (second-worst was John with 8,982. and five teams had over 10,000)

• 2014: 7th place, 7-11-5 record thanks to ranking in the bottom half of the league in all 10 categories

• 2015: 8th place, only 25 rotisserie points after ranking worst or second-worst in seven of 10 categories (Brian, in 7th place, accrued 40 rotisserie points, and John, in 2nd place, accrued 51.)

• 2016: 6th place, 7-14-0 record with 21,186.0 in the first year of the new scoring system (1,008.9 ppg)

It’s notable that Justin made just 56 moves over the first four seasons of BFB, a number he reached by ranking seventh, sixth, eighth and seventh from 2013-16, respectively. The league as a whole has skyrocketed its annual number of transactions, but Justin went from 56 moves over four whole years to 126 in 2016 alone — his first season as Platano Power.

More moves doesn’t necessarily mean more wins, but there was something magical about the transition to Platano Power and Justin’s increased activity. A second-place finish followed by a championship speaks pretty nicely for my favorite BFB name in history.

Justin retired the name after going 9-12 and finishing fifth in 2019.

The Elites

They’re all just classics. That’s all there is to it.

2. Asian Unicorns - Brian

Brian’s homage to his social media accounts and his team name for eight of nine seasons thus far, Asian Unicorns is a staple team name in BFB.

3. O’s Before Hoes - Noah

Another early-year staple of BFB, this name is clever, fitting and successful — Noah earned second- and third-place honors in his two season with this nickname.

4. Louisiana Giraffes - Louis

You get Louie’s initials as the abbreviation and his first name in there as an Easter egg, but there’s just something randomly loveable about this name.

5. 100% Skim Milk - Tyler

Tyler wasn’t particularly successful at building winning fantasy baseball teams, but he did think up some solid names.

6. Meet the Matz - Craig

Craig announced himself as a force to be reckoned with as soon as he joined the league, claiming a championship with Mets-inspired wordplay (doubling as an introduction for himself) from the Mets fan.

7. Mexi Men - Justin

Justin used this name during BFB’s first two seasons, during which the closest player he had to being Mexican was J.J. Hardy, who was born in Tucson, AZ. I believe the idea sprouted out of Tyler’s 100% Skim Milk, and, for unidentifiable reasons, the truncation of “Mexican” just works so well here.

The Great Ones

8. Fernandez 1992-2016 - Frank

Ok, maybe this one gets some cheap points for sentimentality reasons, but changing my team name after the death of José Fernández (one of my favorite players and a pitcher I had recently traded for) as I’m closing in on the championship still brings a tear to my eye.

9. A Puig Of Their Own - Louis

Reference to a classic baseball movie with the name of a rostered and well-known player during a successful season (second-place finish)

10. Who’s Your Vladdy? - Frank

A note on taunting comes later, but this chest-puffing panned out for me as I won my fifth championship with it to kick off our Dynasty format. Plus as a Yankees fan, it’s fun to take the jab at Pedro Martínez.

11. PuertoRican Pop - Justin

Only in use for one season now, PuertoRican Pop is Justin’s third team name out of five to tap into his roots. The team struggled for most of the year but a September hot streak suggests big things are to come — even if he swapped Puerto Rican icon Javier Báez to acquire longtime Puerto Rican target José Berríos.

12. The Suite Life of Jack ‘n Cody - Frank

Great show from our childhoods, plus phenomenal performances from the namesakes of this championship squad, Jack Flaherty (196.1 IP, 231:55 K:BB, 2.75 ERA, 0.97 WHIP) and Cody Bellinger (.305/.406/.629, 47 HR, 115 RBI, 121 R, 15 SB).

13. No Cole Modelz - Louis

Louis won his ‘chip with this name, thanks in large part to a dominant pitching core anchored by none other than Gerrit Cole and Jacob deGrom. The reference to J. Cole’s legendary track beats Louis’ other rap references.

Just plain solid

14. Ctrl Alt Uve - Craig

This isn’t the only time José Altuve is tied to technology…

15. Yu da Yu da best - Frank

Music-themed wordplay seems to be pretty common. At 19-2-2, this team is the 2015-16 Golden State Warriors of BFB.

16. Where’s the Chapman? - Louis

Maybe by now this reference is outdated, but maybe that’s what also makes it pretty funny.

17. Assistant RegionalHaniger - Tyler

Tyler had some great nicknames locked and loaded for his BFB farewell tour, with “Advanced GleyberMetrics,” “Finding Nimmo” and “Welcome to the Gleyberhood” also earning time as his nickname.

18. I Got A BJ From Upton - Tyler

Nothing like a sex joke.

19. I’m gonna burn u with Burnett - Louis

This one almost earned a spot in two tiers below this one, but there’s something about it that brings a genuine smile to my face.

20. Morning Woodruff - Louis

See “I Got A BJ From Upton.”

21. Asgardians in the Outfield - Craig

Asgardians make for a much scarier opponent than angels.

22. Leave it to Seager - Frank

This name paired nicely with Craig’s retro “Meet the Mets” reference, but an underperforming squad surrounding Corey Seager drops this down the list.

23. Respect Your Elders - Nate

Nate’s only been in the league for two years (really more like 1 1/2) and even though he’s not much older and he hasn’t asserted himself as a major threat yet, the name feels appropriate. It’s got the potential to become Nate’s version of Asian Unicorns.

The mid-tiers

24. Let’s Fist’er - Noah

This was a decently funny name from Noah (who at least had Doug Fister during 2015, the first of two seasons for this name), but mediocre performances with it drop the name outside the upper echelon of BFB nickname lore.

25. Raffy Taffy - Craig

It’s tough to rank this one since Craig adopted it at the end of 2021. So smack-dab in the middle tier it goes.

26. You’re all Rendone - Craig

The taunt worked during the “regular season” part of the shortened 2020 season as Craig went 6-1. It didn’t hold up in playoffs, though, as the No. 1 seed suffered a first-round exit to No. 4 Louis.

27. Don’t mess with the Zobrist - Louis

It’s not bad, but something about it feels uninspired. Is “Zo-” enough of a connection between “Zobrist” and “Zohan” to make the name clever? I don’t think so.

28. Waka Flaka Tanaka - Tyler

I like it in a vacuum, but it’s a pretty big miss considering Tyler could’ve gone with “Wacha Flaka Tanaka”… and because Justin had both Michael Wacha and Masahiro Tanaka.

funny-because-it’s-dumb

29. iWin (feat. Lil Yadi) - Louis

Louis was actually the No. 4 team in points-for, but this is a hilariously legendary name for a team that finished in last place.

30. Team Hingle My Gingle Berry - Daniel

Hingle McCringleberry, Daniel. Hingle McCringleberry.

31. 50 Shades Of Sonny Grey - Justin

Props to Justin for trying to name his team after one of his players, but that’s not exactly how you spell Sonny Gray’s name.

32. Bieber Feaver - Justin

At least he got the player’s name right this time.

Not bad, just forgettable

33. Hey Hottie - Daniel

The only reason this name isn’t at the bottom of the Forgettables is because it did technically win a championship, even if Daniel had long forgotten about his team by the time it pulled off the upset.

34. john piscani is like so ugly - John

It feels a little bit unfair to attribute this to John, as there was some changing around of names with Dorian originally naming the team “Kangaroos are like so ugly” somehow turning into this. See? I forgot.

35. Biggie (and) Smalls - Frank

When I made this my name I thought it was clever — I rostered both Aaron Judge and José Altuve — but the connection to the Brooklyn rap legend doesn’t really make much sense. It’s not terrible, but good names shouldn’t need explaining.

36. Hakuna Machado - Frank

At least I rostered Manny Machado when I used this team name, but, as you’ll see, it’s not exactly the most creative name.

37. Young Metro’s Shooters - Tyler

Meh.

38. Acuna Moncada - Noah

The second use of the classic Lion King phrase, Noah has had this team name for four years running but has never finished a season rostering Yoán Moncada and rostered Ronald Acuña Jr. only in 2018 (Noah’s first with this name).

39. Rhys’s Pieces - Frank

Basically, I’m an idiot who didn’t know simple possessive rules.

40. Cecila’s Hoe - Brian

Honestly, I don’t remember this being spelled incorrectly, but alas. Brian is simply Asian Unicorns and a world with his team named anything else must not be real.

Dislikeable, but not disgusting

41. TREA WAY #FREETEKASHI - Louis

Actually stylized in all caps, “TREA WAY #FREETEKASHI” was just too loud for me.

42. _______________ _______________ - Daniel

Like, it was kinda funny but also not really at all.

lazy, scuzzy or improper

43. Down’s in the DM - Tyler

44. #Benintendi Strong - Tyler

45. Rapist Troutfield - Frank

46. Donaldson +mcmanus= IL60 - Daniel

47. Mcmanus is not a victim - Daniel

I’ll just sum it up by saying each of these was inappropriate for reasons I hope are obvious.